One of the most difficult aspects of my life since becoming a follower of Christ has been in figuring out relationships. Everything seemed much simpler before I was a Christian. It was clear who my friends were, who were acquaintances and who were enemies. I knew who had my back, and my friends knew that I had theirs. I was wanted, included, sought after, and loved. Since seeking to follow Christ, everything has become complicated in this area. I would’ve expected the opposite.
This Is My Love
It’s tough when the night ends and the friends go home. Some to their wives, some to their girlfriends or roommates, but me to an empty apartment. No one to hold; to love and to feel loved by. And the conversations I have with God are a mixture of truth and imagination. And in the end, what I am left with is just me. But is it just me? While some friends of mine are comforted by the one’s that are important to them, I remain alone. I want what they have; to be held; to feel loved. But in my loneliness, perhaps it is me who is comforted more than they. My heart is not given to another frail man or woman. My comfort is not in that which is perishing. My heart belongs to the Lord, and it is Him that I seek in my crying and my pain. He alone cares for me and comforts me in my distress. Those closest to me don’t know me, but He does. He knows me fully. And though they love me based partly on my performance, He loves me based on the sacrifice made for me. And when I feel unloved, He defines love for me. And being alone in this passing world is a gift; a preview of what is to come; given to me because I have no one else, but I have the One who can love me in the fullest sense. And suffering, loneliness, and isolation are a blessing to me. Because in my longing for love, real Love show’s its face to me, albeit through this ever-present sin. But I am not alone. And I wait for the day when I dwell in Love forever. I want to go home. Father, please take me home.
But until that day, make me your loyal and faithful servant.
Loneliness comes over us sometimes as a sudden tide. It is one of the terms of our humanness, and, in a sense, therefore, incurable. Yet I have found peace in my loneliest times not only through acceptance of the situation, but through making it an offering to God, who can transfigure it into something for the good of others. ~Elisabeth Elliot
Turn to me O Lord, and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.
(Psalm 25:16-18 ESV)